The Dexter Leader
A Heritage Newspaper
Weekly Publication
Many lessons to be learned
PUBLISHED: March 20, 2008
While there is never any benefit to a person being diagnosed with cancer, there is always a lesson to be learned.
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We made careful choices when explaining the disease to our children and monitored our own reactions, knowing that it would impact our children's ability to deal with setbacks in adulthood.
I am actually pleased when my son's baseball team loses a game. It's an opportunity to reflect and improve. Did the loss reveal strengths and weaknesses that provide insight into appropriate drills for the next practice?
While a loss is never thrilling, I want my son to be content after a game, knowing he tried his best and that the other team deserved their win.
I've seen parents build up their children into believing that they are flawless. When their team loses a game or the child strikes out, the parent and the child throw equipment, scream or argue. Sometimes the players are chosen because they were the coach's son and his best friend, not because they were the right players for that game.
These actions give the child the false belief that they are elite. Of course, every child should be loved and praised, but there is a distinct difference between teaching entitlement and conceit and the much-preferred act of building self-confidence and strength.
Life is filled with a wide range of disappointments: poor economy, natural disasters, divorce, illness, death, allergies, braces, acne, not getting a car at 16, and not receiving an anticipated Christmas gift. For a person to be able to respond to a larger catastrophe without completely falling apart, the person has to have experience dealing with smaller frustrations.
Upon learning of my diagnosis, we waited a month to tell our children. This would grant them an untainted Christmas holiday, as well as allow us to gather our thoughts. Blurting out the news while we ourselves were still reacting would certainly have come across with a different attitude than after waiting to process it.
We encouraged our children to talk about their feelings and tell us what they needed. We surrounded our family with loving friends, neighbors and relatives. The children were urged to have fun and enjoy their regular activities without guilt, meanwhile making family commitments the first priority.
I didn't try to sugar-coat the facts as children always know when there is a conflict between reality and what they are being told. However, facts and details were carefully chosen and shared in a way that wouldn't add fear or dispel hope.
I asked my son what his experience has been like over the last year and being a budding writer, he wrote his response. Here is his unedited reply:
"Having my mother have cancer was one of the hardest things I've had to go through. I was always worrying about her and how she was doing. It was especially hard when I was at a friend's house, not being able to fall asleep because I was scared and worried.
"If we did not have my dad, this would have been even harder. My dad would take such good care of my mom, along with my sister and me. He never complained one bit about anything.
"My mom was also great. With everything she had to go through, you never heard a complaint, either. She stayed strong throughout every surgery, and never gave up. She is the bravest person I have ever known.
"They made this experience easier on my sister and me. I am so glad my mom and my dad are my parents. They are such good role models. I don't know what I would do without them."
I know that were I not still here, my children would be dealing with a much tougher situation. However, their continued success in school, close friendships and connection to supportive people leads me to believe that they will come through this as stronger individuals able to weather any storm tossed their way.
Alison Marable is a breast cancer survivor and has a master's degree in social work from Eastern Michigan University. She can be reached at alimarabelle@yahoo.com. Comment on her column via our November staff blog, Inside the Newsroom," at heritageweststaffblog.blogspot.com.
Upcoming topics
• "Views on Cancer from Those Around Me:" It's not just about me, the patient. Like any situation in life, it's an undeniable fact that exploring the interpretations of everyone involved will promote a better understanding of the impact that cancer has on so many people.
Coming April 3
• "Joining Research Studies:" Following my battle with breast cancer, I now can see clearly the benefit of joining and participating in research studies. All too often I have heard that research studies are either inconvenient or that people are being used as guinea pigs. I am now valuable as a subject for breast cancer research. My blood has been donated to help scientists learn about genetic causes, as well as anything else that might help find a cause and a cure related to breast cancer.
Coming April 17
• "Approaching and offering help:" At the request of a reader, I am going to return to the topic of approaching and relating to cancer patients and their families. Simply asking an acquaintance or a friend how they are doing can be a complicated task when you consider the multitude of personalities and the fact that very often they want to respond, "Devastated!"
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